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Wholly Wife

Living Life as a Holy Wife

A New Chapter

It’s hard to believe that tomorrow is the day. The day things start new. The day things will be different on a day to day basis, different from the way I have done things every day for the last 1 1/2 years.

Tomorrow is the day we are moving.

Why is this a big deal, you might say? Well… it’s not just a simple move down the street (like it was when I moved from my parents house to the house we bought when we married). It’s a longer move than I have ever made in my life- 1 1/2 hours away- and it’s pretty scary. I’m moving away from everything I’ve ever known… The street I’ve lived on for 20 years, the Meijer I’ve grocery shopped at with my mom for years, the Walmart I’ve tentatively walked into more times than I care to remember- but most importantly, the people I have lived around. My church family, the friends I’ve made over the years; It’s hard to imagine that I won’t be here anymore.

I will have to re-memorize how to get to places again- and trust me, if you know me well enough, you know that is a big deal. It has taken me quite a long time to feel comfortable enough to be able to drive somewhere on my own without getting lost in a field somewhere (or ending up in anther state altogether. That’s actually almost happened). I will also have to learn to do a lot of things by myself- not that I don’t know how to do those things, but, being the nervous and anxious person that I am, I usually always have someone go with me numerous places- whether that be the grocery store or the doctor’s office. And it was almost always my mom who went with me to these places…so now I have to learn how to do these things without relying on her to help me get through them. Even now, I can feel my blood boiling from apprehension to the thought of having to be on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I will still have my husband to help me out with these simple things (since he knows I have these problems). But, I know he won’t always be there to drive me to work, to take me to the grocery store, or to escort me to a doctor appointment. And, it won’t be my mom. Me and my mom have a pretty special bond- we’ve been there for each other, through thick and thin, countless hours spent talking, laughing, and crying together about our individual issues. We have, what I would call, the ideal relationship. And I feel more than blessed for it. I thank God often for the fact that I have such a wonderful mother, knowing she will always be there looking out for me, even if I am over an hour away. That, my friends, will be the hardest part of this move- learning to live without her right down the street.

In the end though, I know that it will all be right. It will work out, and, if for some reason it doesn’t, I know we can always just move again. Even move back. But, if and when that point comes, I know things will continue to be alright. The Lord is with me, and I can make it through these days. It’s going to be hard at first, most likely, but I know I will get used to it. It’s just a new chapter, in the same old book of life. Bah, maybe it will even be the most exciting chapter in this book- well, until a baby makes it’s way into the story. (*crossing fingers*) But seriously, things will be alright.

At least, I have to keep telling myself that. Wish me luck! I’ll be back soon with a more, well, helpful blog post. But, it’s my duty to keep my folks updated about my life. Next time I post a blog, I’ll be doing it in my new office. See you on the flip side!

 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

 

Image credit: Google Images

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Faith in the Hard and Quiet Times

As I’m sitting here, trying to write my blog post, I’m trying to ignore the fact that it has been too many months since I’ve posted anything on here. I know that readers don’t like it when bloggers do that- it loses people, and it makes it harder to want to come back and read anything that is posted later on. I’m not here to convince my readers to stick with me, I’m here to say that I’m simply human- and things have not been the greatest in life as of late.

Honestly, I considered coming on here, making a brief apology and a promise saying that I would not wait so long to write another post, and then continue on giving advice and describing my life. However, I would be doing myself, and my readers, a disservice. After all, this is a blog about a wife’s point of view and the things that I go through on a day to day, week to week, month to month basis- right? Well, here goes what has happened since my last blog post.

As you may have guessed from the title, my life over the past few months has been one of those “hard times” in life that I know everyone goes through. I should have tried harder to keep up with my blog throughout what was going on, but, being the new wife and the new blogger that I am, I honestly did not handle things very well and I shut myself away from the world and hid in my dark place. Yes, I have a dark place. A place that I put my mind and my heart when things are rough, when the anxiety takes over, and when the depression kicks in. And honestly, there were numerous times over the past few months that I stored myself away in that dark place. It was not a good idea, and though I’m finally coming out of that place, even now I am struggling with the leftover emotions of depression and anxiety. Without going into too much detail, here is an overview of what has been going on:

  1. Joseph and I made a decision to finally move out of the 900 square foot house we have been in since we got married. It got to the point that we felt cramped in here, plus we wanted to expand our living place for the future hope of a bigger family.
  2. The decision to move turned from a place only a few minutes away, to a place all the way over in another city about an hour and a half away. Though I ended up agreeing with him on the move, it was very hard on me and I didn’t not handle the change very well until recently.
  3. Things got very tense with my parents, who only live a few houses down from our small house here. We made the mistake of not sharing with them right away that we were moving, and it created a lot of heartbreak when they found out. In turn, things became stressful between them and us, until there was a boiling point and we all had to sit down and talk about it. (That is now resolved, and things are much better now with that)
  4. Things went downhill spiritually with me and Joseph, and it became increasingly difficult to stay on the same page together emotionally and spiritually.
  5. I fell into my state of depression, and my anxiety levels increased dramatically, which of course did not help any of these situations.

Of course, there were many other things that came about that I will not mention for sake of time, but these are the basics of what was going on. There have been a lot of changes, and I simply did not handle them very well. This week, however, I feel like I’ve finally seen the sunlight through the dark clouds of doubt and depression that has been looming over me for some time now. I don’t think I am fully out of it yet, but I can definitely see the goodness and light in life right now.

Above it all, however, I know that the Lord has been with me through it all. It was difficult, most days, to realize that- but God helped me to keep the faith through these hard times. There were many a days where I felt as though God was silent, though. There were days that I cried, and wept, and begged God to help- but He felt it best to keep silent. I’m glad He did, though, because it helped me to realize how much more I truly need His presence with me day by day. No, I don’t have any profound words of wisdom to share right now- all I can say is that you must continue to trust daily in Him and His word. Though things may be tough, God knows the end of the struggles. And honestly, that should be enough to keep us trudging along.

And that’s why I decided to finally write a blog post. I know I must keep up with my blog, and I have many other posts that I need to write that I’ve been saving, so there will be more to come. So here’s to trying again- here’s to turning my life back into something normal. Cheers!

 

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” II Corinthians 5:7 KJV

 

Photo credit- Google images

An Open Letter to My Anxiety

Dear Anxiety…

I really can’t stand it when my heart starts racing. But, I’ve gotten quite used to it. I don’t really like the way my fingers tremble, as they are right now, when I start typing something up that I know someone else is going to read. But, I know it’s what my body does to try and fight what’s building up inside.

There’s not a lot of people that know about you. I’ve hidden you away from everyone, including my family, until recently that is. You are like a disease- I’m embarrassed of you. I’m afraid someone might think I’m disgusting or unacceptable because of you. And you make me feel sick. Like, literally sick. My heart starts racing when you come near- the cold sweats break out uncontrollably and my palms start clamming up without my consent. When you get too close, I want to run and hide- when you touch me, I get light-headed and sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. Why do you do this to me..? I only want to live my life around other people like a normal person. I would love to be able to walk out of my house without fretting and stressing over the thought of seeing another human being and actually having to talk to them, even if I know that person. I would love to be able to hang out in a large crowd without feeling as though you’re choking me- I would love to be able to spend quality time with friends, and actually join the conversation, instead of sitting there quietly for most of the time, looking distractedly at my phone and counting down the minutes until I can leave and actually breathe normally. And, I would love to be able to make a phone call like a normal, modern person without sweating to death while I simply punch the numbers in to dial, and sitting in my dizziness while the phone rings, praying the person won’t answer the phone and I can hang up and start to breathe again and relax. But no… this is a daily occurrence. Unless I am blessed with a day that I can stay at home and cling to my computer and books and housecleaning without the thought of having to put on shoes and fix my hair just to walk outside and simply go to my parent’s house down the street, or the grocery store a couple blocks away- I have to wake up every morning, and frown to myself as the schedule of the day flutters through my mind and I realize that yet again you are coming for a visit today, and I will have to face the reality of being socially inadequate and possibly incapable of normal human interaction for more than a couple of minutes.

You make me look like I’m a horrible person sometimes. You make me look like I’m “snotty” and “stuck-up,” when actually I would love to talk to that person on the other side of the room, but honestly, as soon as I even begin to walk toward that one, you snatch me by the neck and keep me prisoner by your side- like some sick, invisible set of handcuffs, refraining me from being able to interact normally.

I am so tired of not knowing when you’re going to show up. Right when I think I am okay with going out into the world, whether it’s to go shopping or to go and have dinner with a group of friends, you show up at my door at the last moment, snarling and telling me about what a fool I am, what a socially awkward and backward coward I am- and you keep me from enjoying the rest of the night when I should be enjoying the time to spend with people who I know love me.

Oh, that’s anther thing- you like to try and convince me that no one really cares about me. You like to try and tell me that I’m not important, that people would be better off without me and that I should just stay at home and stay out of everyone’s way. You used to say this a lot to me…

…but I’ve learned to block you out when you start to nag me about this. I know I’ve gotten better about that. I know that I’ve been able to control you a lot more recently- I know that sometimes, more often than not, I can actually tear myself away from you, even for just a little bit, and enjoy life around me. Sometimes, I can even pick up the phone and dial a number, talk to someone else on the other line, and actually enjoy the conversation.

No, I’m not perfect. Yes, I do struggle with anxiety on an almost daily basis. Yes, sometimes I let it get the best of me, and I don’t allow myself to enjoy life to the fullest. No, I no longer let it control me like it once did. I am slowly becoming a better person- I am slowly getting past this problem in my life, and I am slowly beginning to love myself again, despite the struggles I face.

So, here’s to you, anxiety.

-Olivia

Note: This open letter is simply an explanation of what it is like for me on a near everyday basis, the anxiety that I have struggled with for a long time. I know that there is not a lot of people that know this about me, but I wrote this in the hopes that some might understand why I am the way I am, and to see that I am getting over this problem, and that I am learning to overcome it and become a better person through it. Above all, I give God the glory- for giving me anxiety, and teaching me through my anxiety. There is a reason for it, and I know that this too shall pass. ❤

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens.” Ecclesiastes 3:1 KJV

Image credit: Google.com

Be Ye Holy

“Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:16

Holy… what does it mean? When people hear the word “holy,” the first thing that comes to their minds is probably “unattainable,” or even “impossible.” And rightly so, in a lot of ways. I can remember when I was a little girl in church, and hearing so many people talk about living their lives without doing wrong- and of course to me, that seemed impossible…! How could I ever stop “protecting” myself when mama asked who took the cookies from the cookie jar, or bopping my sister on the nose when she did something I didn’t quite agree with..? No, no, holy living, how is that even possible? However, as I’ve grown older and grown in Christ, I can see how God is showing me the things that I can change with myself to reach that goal of holy living- and honestly, it’s not as difficult as it might seem.

But wait, what is holy living…?

To put it simply, read the verse I put above- “Be ye holy, for I am holy” In this verse, God is talking to us- He is telling us plain and simple- Be like Me.

But how can we possibly be like God? Um, He’s God

Okay, yes, God is God. We can’t literally be God. But, what is God?

Easy and understandable attributes of God include loving, merciful, kind, gentle, forgiving- a lot of things we naturally are not. However, becoming holy is not as simple as these attributes of God- God is perfect. And to be like Him, we must be perfect. But, we being humans, perfection is not in our agenda (I’m sorry, it’s just not). Am I making sense? Probably not yet. Let me explain it to you by explaining how Joseph and I live our lives…

We are not by any means perfect in any way. We can’t be! However, we have felt from God different ways that we can become more like Him- in our actions and our attitudes, inside and outside the home. For those of you who don’t know me and Joseph, we are Allegheny Wesleyan Methodist Christians, or, since that is quite a mouthful, Holiness Christians. Without going into an extreme amount of detail, we live our lives based on holiness unto the Lord, backing up our lifestyle with scriptures. And here’s a link to a better explanation of our denomination, for those of you who are more curious than others. 🙂

To start, Joseph and I try and live as simply and modestly as we can- though we enjoy the benefits of technology with our iPhones and our computers/tablets, we do not participate in the watching of television or movies. We also severely limit our reading material, and gaming material (which is getting cut back to nearly nothing). As for modesty, I dress myself in modest, feminine apparel (skirts/dresses) while Joseph makes sure to avoid anything immodest with his own clothing (thought he honestly doesn’t have as difficult of a time finding appropriate clothing to wear like I do lol). We also make sure to watch our language- we do not want anything filthy or distasteful coming out of our mouths, whether it be curse words, gossip, or anything that sounds similar to a curse word. We honor the sabbath day by refraining from purchasing anything on Sunday unless absolutely imperative, and we don’t participate in certain pastimes on Sunday either (anything sports/outdoorsy or rough play with children). We also choose not to wear our wedding bands either.

Yes I know, this seems like a long, boring list chock full of legality and rules- but what better way to try and live as holy as you can then by watching your every step ad setting rules and guidelines in your life? I’ve heard it said by several people throughout the last few years of my life, especially as God is directing us toward the more, er, weird “rules” we have in place (i.e. no television or movies, the strict dress, not participating in certain activities, etc.);

“Why in the world would you choose to live that way? God really won’t keep you out of heaven because you watched that movie, or wore that shirt.”

No, actually, I don’t believe that those things will actually keep me from making it to heaven. On the other hand, God has asked Joseph and I, through reading His word and diligent praying, to not participate in these things and to be careful with how we dress and what we say. We feel that to be the best Christians that we can be, we must live this way. Yes, it seems alien to many people. And it probably is weird, especially in the day and age we are living in. But I will say, I have never felt such a peace in my life as I do since I have chosen to walk this path of holiness.  In many ways it is freeing to us- but honestly, that’s pretty difficult to explain. 🙂

Now, before someone might try and point out that I’ve only listed physical attributes of holiness (outward living), I must also add that holiness is not just a change in your everyday lifestyle or dress. It really does go beyond the outward appearance and the words you say; because let’s face it- we all know those people who profess to live one way but do not truly mean it. Who dress “the part” and “talk the talk” and live outwardly, but their heart is deceitful and dark. Yes, holiness is a heart issue even more than it is an outward issue. It must be in our heart and soul before it is even on the outside. But what does that mean? To me, it means having the desire for holiness imbedded in your heart. It means to have the sin nature in your soul rooted out and removed- to live daily, holy and as sinless as possible before God. Many people don’t understand this concept, or even believe in it to be honest. Sadly, many believe that you cannot escape the clutches of sin, and you must live daily in it- but I boldly say no. God can remove that nature, and give you a desire to live cleanly every day. Is every day easy? No, there are days when even I struggle and have to get back down on my knees and ask God to clean my slate and let me try again. But since I have decided to let go and let God do His work in my life every day, the struggles become less, and the walk becomes easier. And, holiness is even more attainable.

This post is in no way to try and convince or compel or convict anyone into trying to live the way that we choose to. It is simply an explanation to why we live this way, and our own definition of holiness as divinely given to us by God. A lot people simply don’t know who I really am, and have never understood why I dress and act the way I do. I’ve never had much of an opportunity to explain myself either- which is why I am choosing to write this post. And I’m still probably going to sound crazy- but I wanted to lay down the foundation of Joseph and I’s life before I really started getting into writing blogs on a regular basis and sharing our lives with everyone out there.

Now that that’s been covered- I’m back to brainstorming ideas on blog posts I can write..! And soon I might write one that elaborates on more specific things mentioned in this post (dressing modestly and/or media). Keep watch for my next one, which I will be writing about shortly and posting in hopefully a week or so. Eventually I’ll be on a schedule… 😮

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12:14 NIV

Photo credit- myself 🙂

Zebra Finches & Parenting Thoughts

It was so helpless- I held the little baby chick in the palm of my hand, and I couldn’t help the tears that were stinging the corners of my eyes. I had found the little one on the bottom of my pet birds’ cage, and it was amazingly still alive, even though it was quite cold. I held him there gently, stroking his tiny, fragile back, trying to warm him up before returning him to the safety of the nest inside of the cage. I couldn’t help it- I felt such a deep strong love for this little baby, as though he were my own little creation. Of course, he wasn’t. He was just a bird, right? But still, I couldn’t help my love for him. Finally, after several minutes of cradling the little one in my hand and watching him flop his tiny featherless wings around, squeaking quietly to himself, I decided to return him to his parents. Naturally Kia and Mercury (mama and daddy birds), flitted nervously around the cage, crying in alarm as I opened the door and inserted my hand. I could see them watching me closely as I put my hand closer and closer to the nest and their cries got louder, no doubt worried I was going to disrupt their children huddled in the nest. Gently, I plopped the little zebra finch in his little home and hurriedly shut the door to the cage to stop them from screaming so loudly. I heaved a sigh as I watched the mama jump inside the nest, as if to make sure that her little lost chick was safe and sound.

As I went to bed that night, the scene replayed in my mind of that little chick on the bottom of the cage- it was the second time I had found one like that. Whether or not it was the same bird each time, I don’t know for sure. But I knew I had to keep an eye out for the little ones to make sure none of the others fell to the bottom- I couldn’t bear to see one die. As I laid there and thought about my new-parent birds, I came up with this simple blog post- parenting, as done by my pet zebra fiches. Though this is in no way serious parenting advice based on a pair of captive birds, I did realize a few good points and thoughts about parenting as I have been observing these little creatures- my first time watching a pair of animals raising their young on their own- and I would like to share them with you.

-Let me throw out a disclaimer here- I am not a parent. I have never been a parent, and I may never be one if the Lord doesn’t will it. But, I do have some traditional ideas and thoughts about parenting that I plan on implementing if and when I ever have children of my own; which is what I am sharing in these next few thoughts.

To start out, I noticed something very peculiar about Mercury the other day as I was quietly observing my birds in their cage- his feathers were ruffled up, and he looked pretty… beat up. Honestly he looked like he had gotten in a fist fight- er- a beak fight with Dodge, the other male zebra finch, recently. Hoping they weren’t trying to beat each other up, I kept a close watch on the males to be sure. However, not too much later that day I glanced in the cage as I was going by and saw Mercury with a beak-ful of feathers. I watched as he hopped up to the nest full of babies, jumped in, then quickly jumped out. The feathers were gone this time- and I watched in surprise as he nonchalantly reached down, plucked a couple feathers from his tummy, and then hopped back into the nest with the babies. He was pulling out his own feathers in order to give soft bedding for his little chicks! (Note: I realize now that I should have supplied soft bedding for the babies, since alfalfa hay and cedar chips aren’t exactly the softest mattress in the world, especially for new hatchlings). I find it sort of amazing the sacrifices that the daddy was making for his babies. Not only was he constantly trying to make the nest more comfortable for the chicks, but he was yanking out his own feathers to do so!

I also noticed how much Mercury decided to sit on the chicks, and give mama Kia a break from sitting on and feeding the babies. He even made sure to grab food for himself so he could feed them when he took turns sitting on them! Normally, this is very common for animals and birds in the wild- but it’s really heartwarming to see it happen right in front of you. I can watch as mama will sit on the babies for long periods of time, and daddy will go and grab some food, just to carry it up to her so she doesn’t have to get up. And when she is tired from being in the nest all day, she will jump out and he makes sure he goes right in after her so that the babies won’t have a lot of time without one of the parents. Here, I can’t help but notice the sacrifices that the mom and dad make for these little chicks. They are constantly up and about, one sitting on them and feeding, and the other gathering material or gathering food to take to the other. I can’t imagine running around all day, trying to keep a baby fed and comfortable, let alone three or four..! I have yet to experience that at all… so, I definitely commend mothers (and fathers) all over the world.

I remember a number of years ago when I was still living with my parents and we had pet parakeets; there was two females and one male in the cage. The male decided to pair with one of the two females- resulting in a batch of eggs. But we sadly noticed that the other female had also laid a batch of eggs, too. It was clear that the unpaired female had unfertilized eggs, however- the other female wasn’t being a very good mama. She wasn’t sitting on her eggs, and we were worried that they would die if they didn’t get some attention from a mama bird soon. So in a desperate attempt to try and save the birds, we switched out the two batches of eggs- we gave the fertilized eggs to the unpaired female who faithfully sat in her nest, and the “empty” eggs to the other one. Happily, we watched as the fertilized eggs hatched after a week or so, and little baby parakeets emerged in the cage. But, that joy soon dwindled when we started seeing the babies dying in the nest. Sadly, the male bird was not paired to the mama who was taking care of his babies- and he was a very vital part in caring for the young. You see, the mama needs the daddy to either being sitting on the chicks for her while she goes and eats, or he needs to bring her food. Poor daddy didn’t understand that the babies she was sitting on was his… and so he didn’t bother to help her out by bringing her food or sitting on the babies. So she was having to do this all on her own- which simply does not work. She was leaving them alone for too long, and they were getting cold… And sadly, all of them died because of this. It was a terribly sad time for our little bird family. 😦

There’s quite a bit to learn about this- fathers really are an integral part of parenting. Though we humans are different, we can technically take care of our children with only one parent, it’s simply not meant to be this way. Babies need their daddy in their lives, along with their mothers. It’s very obvious in nature- like the pet parakeets we used to have, and the baby zebra finches I have growing up in my own home.

So what am I really blabbing on about in this blog post? Mainly just my experiences with my pet birds, and the life lessons I’m apparently gaining from watching them. Sorry if this was alittle yawn-inducing; I’m really trying to get myself organized with all this blog post stuff, and my goal is to get one post out a week. So bear with me as I continue to pull myself together out here. 🙂

Psalm 103:13 “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.”

Photo credit- Google Images

Self-Sufficiency vs. Faith

“You’re gonna have to turn around.”

“You said to keep going…”

“No, I said to turn that way, right before you passed the turn.”

“No, you didn’t tell me until after I passed it.”

That was probably the fifth time we had this conversation, driving my old pickup truck down the dark, dim-lit, Ohio country roads at 1:30 in the morning. I was driving- Joseph was too exhausted from a long day of work to drive the what-should-have-been 1 and a half hour trip back home from our friend’s house. While I was behind the wheel, my husband was squinting his eyes at his bright phone screen, trying to figure out which way we were supposed to go to reach the highway.

Oh, yes, by the way…. I was not planning on starting out my brand new, second blog post this way. No, I was planning for a more cool, collected intro into my life, full of kind words and sweet details about my married life. But instead, I’m recounting a small road trip we took in the dead of night, in an old Chevy truck, the pair of us tired, irritable, and not quite feeling the newly-wed love one might assume we are constantly basking in. However… this is what life is about. It’s not always bliss and romance, as much as we would love it to be. Even at a grand total of nearly 10 months, Joseph and I are sometimes ready to scratch one another’s eyeballs out (thankfully we haven’t actually done that yet). So here I am, writing a pretty realistic blog post about my previous night of adventure. But, this tale isn’t about me and Joseph through our trip- it’s about what I learned while he drifted off to sleep, and I drove nearly two hours with only a CD and my own conscience to keep my company- and what it took for me to get us home without ending up in Mississippi.

If one knows me well enough, they know I have the sense of direction of a 3 year old. Basically, none. Without a GPS (or my husband), I would simply drive in circles until someone came along and rescued me. Why is this important? 1) not only did my phone die on the way home on our trip, but Joseph’s was nearly dead as well. 2) I had never drove this road home. I was in unfamiliar territory- the perfect combination for me to get lost!

With this said, that was when my panic started rolling. Not only was I likely to get lost, but Joseph didn’t know the way either! I could feel the sweat starting to bead on my forehead. That’s when I heard it- the still small voice in the back of my mind.

“Do you trust me?”

Oh, that was familiar. My heart sank little- I hadn’t even bothered to pray about our situation. Here I was, fretting my sanity away, and He was right there waiting for me to ask for help. I whispered a quick prayer, asking God to get us home safely. Luckily, Joseph’s phone has just enough power that he was able to direct me to the highway. All I had to do was make sure I stayed on that highway, until I started seeing signs for Columbus. I got this, I remember thinking clearly.

And things went smoothly as we weaved our way through the back roads of the small country towns; until I saw the little orange light pop up next to the fuel meter. Low On Fuel. I gulped loudly, and Joseph looked over at me sharply.

“We need to get gas…”

I heard him sigh deeply; “We’re still a few miles away from the highway and the gas station- you’re going to have to be very careful getting there.”

Again, the panic was returning. Would we make it to the gas station? What if we ran out and stalled out on the highway? What would we do?

“Do you trust me?” I bit my lip nervously- Yes, I trust you Jesus. Please get us to the gas station safely, without running out of gas. Please…

And lo and behold, we found the highway. I kicked it into gear and got us on there, trying not to look at the fuel meter. We managed to make it to the gas station, and filled my truck up nice and full. We were ready to keep moving! Sort of. After my anxiety over the gasoline was edging away, I realized that the entire water bottle I drank no more than an hour earlier was catching up to me. I sighed inwardly, and asked my husband if the gas station was opened inside. He got out and checked- nope. I winced- “There’s a McDonalds over there,” he said, and pointed a little ways away. So off I went, in a little bit of a rush. However, not really to my surprise, Joseph walked up and wiggled the handle to the entrance of the restaurant- it was locked. I stared blankly at the building. Now what?

“Just drive,” my husband instructed. And off we went, back down the highway. Of course by now my anxiety was building again. This was becoming alittle much.

“Do you trust me still?”

God please, help me find a rest area soon. I trust you- but please, help me. As soon as I prayed that, though, I saw a sign- Rest Area 3 Miles.

“Ohhh thank you Jesus,” I remember saying quietly, and hitting the acceleration just little harder.

You might be wondering, “Why is she going over all these silly details about her driving experience at night?” Well, I would like to point out how easily I can get distracted by situations in life. For many of us, it’s easy to look at our current situation, whatever it may be, and use every ounce of our own strength to try and fix the problem. Eventually, though maybe not all of the time, we come to a point where we have to throw our hands up in despair and give up. Why? Because, in our humanity, our self-sufficiency is simply not enough. But, we become used to that throughout our life- if something comes along that is even little overwhelming, we assess it according to our own strength and ability, and if we can’t get through it, oh well. However, that’s not how it supposed to be. We were not created to be able to do everything on our own- from when we were a baby, we relied on our parents for basic living. As we grow into adulthood, we no longer need our parents to survive- but that’s when God comes into the picture. He made us to rely on Him- to have faith in Him. Now how does that correlate to my story above? It was natural for me to look at the stuff happening around me and start fretting because I knew that there was nothing I could do in my own power. But that was when Jesus so softly spoke to me and reminded me that He was there waiting for me to starting using my faith in Him. Once I let go of my own self sufficiency, and let faith take over, that’s when things started falling into place. No, this does not mean that everything we are going through has a miraculous answer to it, and God is not a genie who will answer all of your wishes. But He is a God who loves to care for His children, and will listen when we cry out to Him in our deepest distresses.

When you find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place, just let go of your self-sufficiency. Let faith take over and let God do the rest for you- He will get you to the gas station, and he will point you in the right direction- He will even help you to find a rest area when you need to…! Just, have faith. And don’t forget- God is always listening for you to just ask.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for, and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

Photo Credit- Google Images

Why, Bonjour

It’s hard to believe it- here I am, 11:42 p.m., nearly 15 minutes away from the start of my 21st birthday, fingers posed over the keyboard, ready to start blasting away at this blog with every idea that’s streaming across my mind- but wait. Not only does this sound slightly silly (waiting “anxiously” for my birthday like a little girl), but I realize I have never quite done this before. Write a blog, I mean. It almost seems easy- and I have so many ideas, ready to be typed out and edited as thoroughly as I wash my laundry on an almost daily basis. But, I can’t just start throwing out ideas/thoughts/advice here. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. I gotta break this ground first.

So let’s make this quick introduction; My name’s Olivia Becker, and I am a Christian wife. A slightly new, wife. Actually I’m 9 months into this marriage thing, to be precise. But I like it. It has it’s benefits. Like me not having to work- I ain’t gonna complain about cleaning laundry, as long as I don’t have to go out into public and deal with actual human beings. Oh, that’s another thing about me- I have a bit of a social problem. Social anxiety, if you will. Quite frankly, it can be alittle crippling at times. Talking to people, especially on the phone, gets me queasy and sweaty and all around wigged out. Yes, I used the word wigged. Don’t judge. But, I have done a fairly good job for most of my life making sure people don’t really know about my anxiety- until recently not even my own family knew how much I truly struggle. But, I have learned to accept that my “problem” is not really a problem- it’s more of a setback, honestly. But that can all be saved for another time.

Now- a brief explanation on why I am writing this blog, why I even created my own blog. I didn’t do this for myself, except to help express who I am. I did this for the passion of helping people. I’d like to share my experiences as a new wife, and what it is like to try and live holy and modestly as a Christian woman and possible mother in modern day America. Not only that, but I would like to be able to offer my own experiences and advice gained from the point of view from someone who suffers from anxiety on a daily basis. Basically, I like to think that my word’s might help someone out somewhere along the path of life. 🙂

On top of those things I briefly mentioned about myself, I do also love to write. Obviously. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be taking my good time writing this… when I could be enjoying a few zzz’s I missed out on this morning. I also love baking. A whole lot. As well as photography. Oh, and music. These are just the little things though. As time goes on, and I articulate my thoughts alittle more (and alittle faster), hopefully we will all learn alittle bit more about me and who I really am. But for now, we will leave this as is

Ah, look at the time…. looks like I am officially a legal adult. Time to go enjoy that delicious sleep I’ve been waiting for! Au revoir, until next time..! 😉

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